An Unexpected State of Being

The truth: I am still happy here in Paris.

I suppose the average Jane wouldn't be too surprised to hear that, but I am almost unbelieving at my happiness. I was sitting with my friends, talking over warm, over-priced mugs about our expectations for the next few months. I mentioned that i expected to become very frustrated and sad within about a month. Actually, i think i projected the exact schedule of my emotional journey. I've been here in paris for over a month and in France for two. I am still content. I don't feel lonely, or sad, or depressed, or frustrated, or annoyed (except my state during the lit class i had today that was taken over by silent, apathetic american college students).

Maybe you still don't understand, but I do. I like Paris life: i have independence, yet i'm in contact with other nationalities, my french family, and my american friends. I finally have a class that is somewhat challenging.

My friend who was in Granada with me came to visit me, and we appreciated together the joys that Paris has to offer: diversity of people and architecture, independence, art...Granada is a perfect place to be social for "pas cher"...cheap good times...the weather is ideal...and the town and the country have such an intriguing history. But, Granada is homogenous-we felt so out of place all the time! One way of dressing, acting, living...it was a good way, but everything else was "other". On the other hand, paris is a whole city of "other"s

Well, enough about Paris. What am I thinking about while i live so happily? I'm reading "A Prayer for Owen Meany" which, unlike the movie that steals the books' wonderful plot, is WONDERFUL. It sneaks questions into my long, awkward metro rides. Its the kind of book that one reads for every word, not for finishing. I'm already at page 434 as of my last metro ride and i started reading it only 2 weeks ago!

I have been forced to ask what it means to be a follower of God, outside of the "christian" culture and my concepts. I find it means much more than I think it does.

I feel like I am every self-reflecting, study-abroad-ing american student in all i say here, but what else can i be? I think maybe its not so important to be unique as to be honest.

I have learned that i am best when I am me. When i look at situations that were failures, I rarely acted as i would naturally. I mean, I'm not evolving into an instinct-follower to the extreme, but I am learning to have more confidence in doing what I would do...not what I should do...or could do...thanks to a few of my friends in granad, one in particular who always repeated "Do what you want to do. I'm going to do_________, but you do what you want to do." I'd never known that my opinion had so much value!

So I'm happy, relatively balanced, busy, challenged, and thoughtful. Now if only my confidence could make the sun shine...